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Basic Toilet Humor

Restroom comedy has traditionally served as the reliable retreat in everyday journalism, and writers stay alert of notable bog-related stories and historic moments, particularly within football. Readers were entertained to discover that an online journalist Adrian Chiles owns a West Bromwich Albion-inspired toilet in his house. Spare a thought about the Tykes follower who interpreted the restroom somewhat too seriously, and was rescued from an empty Oakwell stadium after falling asleep on the loo midway through a 2015 losing match versus the Cod Army. “He had no shoes on and had lost his mobile phone and his hat,” elaborated a Barnsley fire station spokesperson. And who can forget when, at the height of his fame with Manchester City, Mario Balotelli entered a community college to access the restrooms back in 2012. “His luxury car was stationed outside, then entered and inquired the location of the toilets, then he went to the teachers’ staff room,” a pupil informed local Manchester media. “Later he simply strolled round the campus as if he owned it.”

The Restroom Quitting

Tuesday marks 25 years from when Kevin Keegan quit as the England coach following a short conversation within a restroom stall together with Football Association official David Davies deep within Wembley Stadium, following that infamous 1-0 defeat by Germany in 2000 – the Three Lions' last game at the historic stadium. According to Davies' personal account, his private Football Association notes, he entered the drenched struggling national team changing area right after the game, seeing David Beckham weeping and Tony Adams “fired up”, both players begging for the official to reason with Keegan. Following Dietmar Hamann’s free-kick, Keegan had trudged down the tunnel with a blank expression, and Davies located him seated – just as he was at Anfield in 1996 – in the corner of the dressing room, saying quietly: “I'm done. I can't handle this.” Collaring Keegan, Davies attempted urgently to save the circumstance.

“Where could we possibly locate for confidential discussion?” stated Davies. “The tunnel? Full of TV journalists. The changing area? Crowded with emotional footballers. The shower area? I was unable to have a crucial talk with the team manager as squad members entered the baths. Only one option presented itself. The restroom stalls. A dramatic moment in England’s long football history occurred in the ancient loos of a stadium facing demolition. The approaching dismantling was nearly palpable. Pulling Kevin into a stall, I secured the door behind us. We remained standing, looking at each other. ‘You cannot persuade me,’ Kevin stated. ‘I’m out of here. I’m not up to it. I'll announce to journalists that I'm not competent. I can’t motivate the players. I can’t get the extra bit out of these players that I need.’”

The Consequences

And so, Keegan resigned, eventually revealing he viewed his stint as England manager “without spirit”. The two-time European Footballer of the Year stated: “I had difficulty passing the hours. I ended up coaching the blind squad, the deaf squad, assisting the women's team. It's an extremely challenging position.” English football has come a long way over the past twenty-five years. Whether for good or bad, those Wembley toilets and those two towers have long disappeared, while a German now sits in the coaching zone Keegan formerly inhabited. The German's squad is viewed as one of the contenders for next year’s Geopolitics World Cup: England fans, don’t take this era for granted. This exact remembrance from a low point in English football acts as a memory that circumstances weren't consistently this positive.

Real-Time Coverage

Follow Luke McLaughlin at 8pm UK time for women's football cup news from Arsenal 2-1 OL Lyonnes.

Today's Statement

“We remained in an extended queue, wearing only our undergarments. We were Europe’s best referees, elite athletes, role models, grown-ups, parents, determined individuals with strong principles … however all remained silent. We scarcely made eye contact, our gazes flickered a bit nervously when we were requested to advance in couples. There Collina examined us thoroughly with an ice-cold gaze. Mute and attentive” – former international referee Jonas Eriksson discloses the embarrassing processes match officials were formerly exposed to by previous European football refereeing head Pierluigi Collina.

Soccer Mailbag

“How important is a name? A Dr Seuss verse exists named ‘Too Many Daves’. Have Blackpool suffered from Too Many Steves? Steve Bruce, together with staff Steve Agnew and Steve Clemence have been shown through the door marked ‘Do One’. Is this the termination of the Steve fascination? Not completely! Steve Banks and Steve Dobbie continue to oversee the primary team. Complete Steve forward!” – John Myles.

“Now you have loosened the purse strings and provided some branded items, I've chosen to type and share a brief observation. Ange Postecoglou claims he started conflicts on the school grounds with children he expected would overpower him. This pain-seeking behavior must justify his option to move to Nottingham Forest. Being a longtime Tottenham fan I will always be grateful for the second-season trophy but the only second-season trophy I can see him winning by the Trent, if he lasts that long, is the Championship and that would be some struggle {under the present owner” – Stewart McGuinness.|